Waterski show coming to Brown’s Inlet

Mar 08, 2024

Business group seeks sign-off and support from city

By Bob Irvine

Fun things will come soon to Brown’s Inlet, subject to City Council’s approval. But first some background.

Every March, scientists of the Geological Survey of Canada test their instruments in advance of the upcoming field season in the high Arctic. They do this at various locations across Ottawa. Last March, they came to Brown’s Inlet before it filled in the spring. One of their instruments, a seismic sounder, found an unusual geological feature. Specifically, the geologists found a large reservoir of hot water – trapped under pressure and usually associated with nearby volcanism – close to the surface under Brown’s Inlet.

GSC staff prepared a report for the Minister on what they found. The Minister immediately ordered that the document be classified as confidential out of concern that residents of the Glebe and Old Ottawa South might fear a runaway geyser erupting in their midst. Under the terms of the Access to Information Act, a business group based here in Ottawa requested and received a copy of the report.

The group, headed by Ottawa entrepreneur Dollares Moneehustle, immediately rebranded itself as the Ottawa Geyser and Entertainment Group (OGEG). In a closed-door session of Council in December, OGEG outlined a proposal for Council’s consideration. The Glebe Report has obtained of a copy of OGEG’s submission. Here are its main recommendations.

OGEG is proposing a PPP – public-private partnership – to develop the geyser as a major tourist destination. OGEG would provide $100,000 toward the project. The City will make a contribution of half a billion dollars. These funds would go toward the following:

Excavation work to carefully uncover the geyser.
Installation of a “control cap” – a large steel and concrete structure – that will allow OGEG to control when the geyser releases its estimated 50-metre-high spray. (An OGEG team has been dispatched to Yellowstone National Park to study Old Faithful.)
A heat exchanger at the outlet of Brown’s Inlet into the Rideau Canal to prevent warm water from seeping into the canal.
A team of fish whisperers who will discourage carp and other fish in the canal from venturing too close to Brown’s Inlet.
Reconstruction of Queen Elizabeth Driveway from the Bank Street Bridge to near where the large snowman Janus resides in winter. Heading south on the Driveway after Queen Elizabeth Place, cars will climb a gradient to an elevated roadway – three storeys high – to be named the Queen Elizabeth Skyline Parkway.
The Parkway, in turn, will serve as the roof of a stadium located on the south side of Brown’s Inlet.
Acquisition of a fleet of airboats – boats with huge fans propelling them from their sterns – from companies in the Florida Everglades. (This will ensure that the shallow bottom and delicate ecology of Brown’s Inlet are not disturbed.)
Hiring and training a waterski team – modelled on the one at Cypress Gardens in Florida – that will perform year-round. This will include the team presenting a nativity scene at Christmas time, complete with sheep that have been trained to waterski.

OGEG is arranging for the City to recoup its investment through its receipt of five per cent of the anticipated waterfall revenue from the project over 30 years.

The Glebe Report caught up with Moneehustle to hear firsthand her thoughts about the proposal. Here is a key part of that exchange:

Glebe Report: “What arrangements are you making for consultation with the community before Council approves the proposal?”

Moneehustle: “Because we know that everyone loves this project, there are no provisions for public consultation.”

Glebe Report: “What excites you most about this undertaking?”

Moneehustle: “The fact that the experience of visitors will grow richer through the years. We are already working on Geyser 2.0, which will see the addition of a casino and nightclub to the site.”

From 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. on Monday, April 1, Glebe Report readers who have not yet realized that this is Bob’s latest April spoof, are invited to come to the Glebe Report office to view a model of the completed project.